Akatsuki Dating Service
by Kato Arisa
Summary: The Akatsuki are tired of all the Yaoi so they are gonna prove that they are straight by setting up random blind dates. Who gets too caught up in the craziness? The answer might surprize you. Anti-AkaXAka as in no Yaoi what-so-ever. Well, most of the time
1. Chapter 1

All the Akatsuki could no longer bare it. This has gone on long enough.

"Someone has to do **SOMETHING** about this." Pein said.  
"Like hell, the fans would care." Hidan replied.  
"Well I for one, think they need to be taught a lesson." Sasori said, staring at the wall with his back to them.  
"Can't blame them, really, some of you do look girly." Kisame said.  
"I'd have to agree." Kakuzu said.  
"Well this is just ridiculous! We're not like that!" Deidara said.  
"Maybe we aren't, but your long hair doesn't help." Itachi remarked.  
"Tobi will take the lead, but, uh, what _are_ we doing?" So clueless, Tobi is.  
Hidan points his finger at the reader.  
"WE'RE NOT, REPEAT, **NOT** GAY! STOP MAKING FUCKING GROSS PICTURES!"  
"We don't like it. We're all straight." Itachi said. Then he whispers "Well, Deidara is questionable."

Sasori steps out of Hiruko.  
"You guys can be really sick sometimes. Yaoi doujinshi-things are disgusting. SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS!" Sasori demanded.

"Anyway, we need to think of something to convince them. Something so not gay that they'll think we're definitely straight." Pein commanded.

"PUPPET SHOW!"  
"FIREWORKS DISPLAY!"  
"SLAUGHTER-FESTIVAL!"  
"ROB A BANK!"  
"KILL THE YAOI FANCLUBS!"  
"HUG TOBI!"

Nobody could resist staring at Tobi. That was really weird. Too weird. But it might work.

"That's it! We'll date the fans! Maybe this will work!"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

"*$&^%!#*%!%^$! DAMNIT, NO!"

Konan walked in. "What's going on?"

"We're trying to come up with ways to prove we're not gay, because the fans are constantly acting as if we are." Pein said.

"Ooh, did you try dating the fans?" Konan said.

"I CALL SASORI!" Arisa jumps in.

"Get outta here! You're only a kid!" Sasori scolded.

"No, I'm a teenager! YOU'RE a forty-year-old fart who happens to have the body of an adorable twenty-year-old! That's probably the only reason you have any fans, because otherwise you'd look OLD AND UGLY!" and with that, Arisa leaves the story. Literally, she like, jumped out.

The words rang in Sasori's head: **_OLD AND UGLY_**, **_Old and Ugly_**, **old and ugly**.

Everyone else cracked up.

"So let the dating service begin!" Pein shouted.  
"I can already hear the fan girl screams." Itachi shivered.  
"Konan, this includes you too." Pein said.  
"WHAT?" She ran to hide.  
"Kill me please." Kakuzu said.  
"This is stupid." Kisame grumbled.  
**"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"  
"**I'll be hiding somewhere. Don't look for me." Sasori vanished in red smoke.  
"This is gonna be so fuckin' retarded." Hidan shouts.

Then Pein smirks evilly.  
"First we have to get new outfits."


	2. Let's Go Buy Clothes

-Recap-

The Akatsuki have decided to prove their not gay, so they're going to date fans (or maybe some other girls?*Wink wink*). Pein just decided they're also going to get new outfits. Oh, joy.

-----

"What do you mean by that?" Kakuzu said, grabbing his briefcase tightly.  
"It means that we are going to go purchase new clothes that we'll look good in." Pein said.  
"Some of us won't be able to go out in public, if you haven't noticed." Kisame said.  
"Speaking of which, where's Zetsu?" Pein asked.  
"Behind you." Itachi answered.

"HOLY CRAP, ZETSU! DON'T DO THAT! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?"  
Tobi snickered.

"ANYWAY, what are we doing about the outfits?" Deidara said.  
"I want a ripped shirt and jeans! Nothing fucking else!" Hidan proclaimed.  
"We are going to go shopping! Deidara, Itachi, and Hidan are coming with me. The rest of you need to find people to date for everyone." Pein said.  
"And just HOW are we going to do that?" White Zetsu said. "Can we eat the fans when we're done?" Black Zetsu asked.  
"I don't want to go shopping!" Deidara complained.

-----

Meanwhile, in Sasori's EMO-corner (by EMO-corner I mean when anime characters curl up in a corner in fetal position), he kept saying "Old and ugly?" to himself.  
Konan happened to walk by. "What's with you?"  
"Do you think that if I hadn't preserved my body, I'd look ugly?"  
"Uh, it really depends on if you'd take care of your body well enough."  
"Is that a 'yes' or 'no'?"  
"Sorry to say it, but I have to go with yes. I'm sorry, but when Deidara took things from your room, we found a picture of your parents. Your. Dad. Is. Ugly. "  
These words practically knocked him over.

-----

Back with the other Akatsuki, Tobi was flailing his arms and saying "TOBI WANTS TO GO SHOPPING! TOBI WANTS TO GO! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! TOBI WANTS TO GO!"  
"Alright, just shut up. We should get going. First, we'll need some money." Pein evilly grinned.  
"NOOOOOOOOO! KEEP YOUR GRIMY PAWS OFF OF MY BEAUTIFUL MONEY!" Kakuzu said.  
"Oh, don't worry; I have saved up enough money for everyone to get a complete new outfit." Pein said. Secretly Pein had taken money from the briefcase while everyone was sleeping. Kakuzu didn't notice the money was gone, because Pein put rocks in place of the money to make up for the weight.

Pein, Deidara, Itachi, Hidan, AND Tobi set out for the nearest village, which could take days on foot. And Deidara was showing off by riding a clay bird.  
"Tobi is a tired boy, let Tobi ride too!" Tobi demanded, without much avail.  
"Shut up. I'm not letting _you_ on."

-----

At the base, everyone was sitting around, dreading what clothes they would be presented with.  
"I hope they get me something pretty." Konan said.  
"I hope I get something that looks relatively good." Kisame said.  
"I should've gone with then and picked my own outfit!" Sasori groaned.  
Zetsu shifted uncomfortably. "How are they going to find clothes for us?" White Zetsu said.  
"You mean all of us?" Kakuzu asked.  
"No, me and Black Zetsu."  
"I always thought of you as one person."  
"Well we didn't come out that way."  
Everyone stared.  
"How EXACTLY did you come 'out' then?" Sasori half gagged.

-----

Over with the traveling Akatsuki, Tobi was being all-out infuriating.  
"Tobi wants rainbows and ponies and chocolate designs on MY outfit. What do you want on your clothes, senpai?"  
"I want YOU to SHUT UP!" Deidara yelled.  
"That's not a legitimate answer." Tobi said.  
"Fine, I want an exploding shirt and black jeans." Deidara grumbled.  
"A shirt can't explode, Deidara. That's just stupid." Itachi stated.  
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

-----

"Oh, I get it now. That's pretty strange, Zetsu." Kakuzu said.  
"And I thought _I _had a weird family." Kisame joked.  
"Well, it's what truly happened. Who would've thought?" Zetsu said.  
"At least your parents stayed with you through troubles. My parents skipped out on me and got themselves killed! And then my idiot grandma keeps my little six-year-old spirit up by saying they were assigned missions immediately after they got back. Every single time! What the hell?" Sasori vented.  
"Aw, you poor thing! Tell us everything! It's good for your heart, you know."  
"This is getting really sappy and boring, so I'm gonna go count my money." Kakuzu said.  
"Uh-oh." Sasori had caught Pein stuffing the briefcase with rocks the night earlier.


End file.
